I don’t really put my personal life out there and I have to say that up until now this is the hardest thing I have written about. After speaking to a friend they suggested for me to put down my feelings in writing... so here it goes...
Many people will compare relationship breakups to losing a loved one. I guess to a certain extent they are right, you go through the same process; denial, anger, bargaining with your emotions, depression and finally acceptance.
I think until you have gone through heartbreak it is not something you can comprehend, imagine or understand. I have lost people in my lifetime but this time round things were different; it was someone that I had lost but also someone that I had to see on a daily basis. How do you get over someone you don’t hate? And even after everything that has happened you are still in love with them and can't let go.
As sad as it seems saying this at the age of 27, I guess it really hit me as for me he was my first true love. Someone that that for the first time I had seen a future with, the first time I had completely let my guard down and the first time I had trusted someone implicitly. I never ask for a lot in a relationship, I'm not interested in a lavish lifestyle or materialistic items. I just want honesty and stability, which thinking back there was never any stability in it.
When the words ‘I’m done’ came out of his mouth it hit me like a tonne of bricks, my heart broke into a million pieces and it felt that comfy rug that I had been on had been ripped from underneath my feet. It was said in such a cold and callous way, I couldn’t understand how can someone that I had loved and had purported to love me could act in such an insensitive and heartless manner. I knew things had been difficult towards the end but in all of my naivety I thought once he got back from his time away that we were going to work on things. Whilst we were together I had to deal with many external sources giving me their opinion of time and perhaps trying to influence my thinking. Most of which I appreciate came from a place of love and care but I tried to keep those thoughts at bay as I wanted to make my own judgement.
I was looking for answers, I felt I needed them irrespective of whether these answers were going to hurt me even further and seemed to go out of my way to hurt myself further than I already was. I guess you could liken this behaviour to self harming. And even when I did get answers I still questioned whether they were the truth or not.
Eventually I found out he had gotten himself into another relationship, with someone I had had my concerns about when we were together, a month after things had ended between us. I wasn't sure what hurt more; him breaking things off with me or finding out that he had got into a relationship a month after ending things with me. A status that he obviously thought I was never worthy of. For months afterwards I found myself constantly comparing myself to her, what did she have that I didn't? I also found myself regularly going round in circles in my head thinking what if I had done this different, what if I had said that differently...maybe it would've been a different outcome.
Unfortunately heartbreak doesn't just go away and there is no quick fix, cure or medication that you can take to get over it.
The best piece of advice I was given was that it is okay to sit with your feelings and emotions and that there isn’t a written rule for when you should be over someone.
Five months on and I'm starting to get back on track, it's not been easy and even now it is still a topic that is avoided between us but we are slowly starting to rebuild a friendship that was once there.
It has been a long hard slog but I can now see a light at the end of the tunnel.
It really is true that time is a healer.
Love Charlotte
The rants, quips and anecdotes of a twenty-something year old
Comments